I feel like a dead-beat human.
That’s the first thought that came to mind yesterday when I woke up. Quite the morbid thought it was, but justifiably one I couldn’t really counter. I feel the need to defend myself over what I’m about to write just because it will probably come off as ungrateful or whiny even. This need I wish I could erase from within me because why do I need a defense over my own emotions, thoughts, and sentiments… and to whom really am I defending myself against so heftily in a bid to not come off anymore whiny and beat down than is already the case. Anyway, we can decipher later over my people- pleasing skills or my need for validation even from an audience of people and bots alike who’ll be unfortunate enough to read this post and who likely won’t give a fuck or two.
I didn’t intend for yesterday to feel or start off as exhausting as it sadly did, but well, it was just another thing beyond my control. What can I say, I have been fighting this very feeling every day since I completed college and graduated. I have fought off within my own thoughts about just how little value within my existence have I offered society and myself included. I eased my demon of inadequacy and consoled myself with the notion that I was taking a well-deserved time off to figure out what exactly was meant to be next phase within the course of my life, and let’s just say, this pity party might just have gone off for too long. I do not recall thinking that my adult life would become a further misery than what already was my childhood, but again, it seems I was wrong to think any different.
I had plans for how the trajectory of life was going to look like for me at the beginning of this year. It was the little hope I chose to accord myself. In as little words as possible, nothing really is playing out as was intended. It feels a lot like a hurdle after another keep popping up or better yet, keep further complicating things and remaining unsolved. Most of those hurdles if I am truly being honest are beyond my control by a long shot, and the biggest hurdle of all is my fathers’ retirement fund that has been in delay for over two years now and that has made the lives of my family and I gravely difficult. Those funds have had every progress intended to happen be kept on hold, i.e… My pursuit for my degree. I could bitch about each held back project and endeavor that has been delayed by the lack of those funds, but it will probably just further highlight how exhausted am I with the system of my country, as well as the mere cycle of misfortune that is the cards that life has delt my family, and by extension, me.
I prayed at the beginning of February. My sister and I poured out souls to the ever-loving God with the hope and faith that His mercies would finally be shone upon us and that the trail of misery that has clung to us like a bad stench would finally be washed off by his Grace. It felt monumental pleading and crying our hearts out to His everlasting Father, a lot like how great I allude it felt for the prodigal son to finally trace his way back home to his father. That evening of devotion felt like the renewal of my faith and now, with a month gone since, it feels like I’m back to grasping through straws for that very said faith. I no longer know how God works, maybe I truly never did, better yet, I am of the illusion that He still hears little children’s prayers. My mother lived of the reassurance that God listened to little children’s prayers and now, it is all I can hope to believe that I still am His little child who is crying to be heard. In todays’ time, people seem to believe more in the manifestation of their words into the universe, than the Christian teachings most were raised knowing. I admit, it feels like a betrayal to my beliefs of the existence of God as the supreme being, but now I begin to wonder if maybe that’s just about what I now need to do. Manifest into the universe all my desires, dreams, hopes, and ambitions. Some claim of its imminent power and maybe I am finally desperate enough to put my faith aside and do more to speak will and power into the life I wish to exist within.
Funny now that I am in the subject of beliefs, seems my socials were offering another kind of alternative. My tiktok for a minute there kept bringing forth videos on sorcery and witchcraft and an array of those videos made it look so easy to have power within ones’ grasp. With just a pen, a piece of paper, some sage, honey and a candle lit fire, I could lure to me the love and affection of any boy I set my sights on, as well as any amount of luck I deemed myself worthy of. It all felt very tempting, but I was reminded that I cannot entirely discount the chance that the burning of witches on a stake will eventually make its way back into occurrence just from the scent of my dabbling into a bit of witchery.
This plagues my soul to say, but my life has felt and lives to feel like a steady occurrence of just lows, que the whiny part of this piece. Earlier today, in a bid to lift my spirits, my sister sent me a video of an influencer lady from my country, and she was talking about how when life has dealt her low seasons, she envisions those experiencing their high seasons and is then assured that those high moments wouldn’t have been possible without their perseverance through the low moments. In that moment of watching that, I willed myself to syphon the hope that my constant low season will just be but a stepping stone to a season so high, no amount of conjuring could have prepared me for it. I am uncertain I willed that feeling enough because it felt as fleeting as a breeze. The whole video had me take a trip down memory lane in search of a time when life offered to me a season where I felt content and at peace with the present; safe to say, all I could recall were rather transient times when life was bearable, but not satisfactory. Don’t get me wrong, or maybe, that is exactly what I hope you do: I have and still try to retain gratitude over the blessings in my life, but despite it, it has proven harder to act oblivious to lives hardships that are often painted as lessons. I can’t help but wonder what more I could possibly need to learn about living through inadequacy, insufficiency, and stagnancy than I already have had to live through.
So, with the little reprieve I have from pouring out my whiny life problems here, am left with the query of what more grace and time do I need to offer life before it can elevate me to those so-called high seasons that the lady in the video revered about. What peace do I need to make with God to be deserving of a flourishing life’s purpose? What grave sins do I need to have exonerated so I am deserving of a constant flow of happiness, contentment, peace and everything else good within this earthly existence? I can only hope to keep choosing this continuous trail of misery with the slight reassurance that it won’t be long before I can flourish within those said high seasons.